Tuesday Musings: Heartbreak at Trader Joe’s

Trader Joe’s is my own personal wonderland. It’s my happy place. With its friendly staff, above-average customer service, and healthy snacks, I really can’t get enough. I don’t do all my grocery shopping there, but there are a few staples that I pick up regularly. And it seems as though each time I leave, I have a story to tell. This week’s visit was no different.

While waiting for the cashier to ring me up, an adorable, yet cranky, toddler nearby caught my attention. She was doing her best half-cry, half-whine while firmly planted in the “pick me up NOW” stance. Mom was busy tending to one twin baby boy in the stroller, while Grandma was holding the other close in a carrier. In the sweetest, most patient voice, she tried to soothe the little one. “Mommy can’t pick you up right now, sweetie. You’re going to have to stand.” It was close to 9:00 PM at this point, and clearly past this kid’s bedtime. But, I presumed Mom made the trip at this hour for the same reason I did – less crowded and easier to maneuver around the store (obviously way more of a necessity for her than me). Or, maybe it simply took longer than expected to get everyone out of the house. Who knows?

In any event, I exited the store and grabbed my two bags out of the cart. As I turned around to head to my car, I was legs-to-face with the cute toddler who was no longer crying, but giving me the hard “I don’t know you” stare. Mom was right behind her, trying to steer the stroller and guide Grandma, who was now in charge of one baby and the cart, to the ramp. “Jordan, move over so the lady can get by.” Little Jordan was having none of that. Mom was now visibly frustrated, probably having used her last ounce of patience in the checkout line. I said “hi” to Jordan in that high-pitched voice we all use when addressing any child under three feet, lifted my bags over her head, and skirted around her. Just as I walked past the rest of the clan, Mom and I locked eyes. In that moment, I felt a twinge of envy of her entire life. Ironically, she looked at fancy-free me in my cutoff shorts, bogged down by only those two shopping bags and a Coach wristlet, like she yearned for the days of old. We  always want what we can’t have, don’t we? Often true, but this post isn’t about that….or how the grass always looks greener on the other side. It’s really about honesty…honesty with ourselves about our own emotional wellbeing.

In the ten minutes it took me to drive back to my place, I started to feel incredibly empty. Par for the course for a single thirty-something, one might say…but this was new for me. Sure, I’ve had my moments, but they have been few and far between, and more about feeling “behind” than any intense longing. If you know me personally, you know that I  generally don’t make a big deal about not being married or having kids yet. I cheer for my friends when they get engaged or find out they’re pregnant. I buy great shower gifts, celebrate like it’s happening to me, wish them well, and get on with life. I mean, I look forward to those life events, but the fact that they have eluded me never exactly put me in the fetal position. Truth is, I usually revel in the benefits of being a bachelorette. But lately, I’ve had to acknowledge the pang of watching other people experience the joyous milestones that seem so out of reach in my own life. I’m not sure what flipped that emotional switch on for me. Perhaps it was the sheer volume of engagements, weddings, pregnancies and childbirths that I’ve been privy to lately. Or maybe it was this painfully candid song by India.Arie that I’ve been listening to nonstop. Or worse, could it have been that recent courtship that started out like a burgeoning real relationship, but abruptly ended more like a summer fling? I didn’t know what caused this sudden hole in my heart, but I did know that I was one Johnson & Johnson commercial away from crying into a bowl of slow-churned butter pecan ice cream.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve completely worked through all of these not-so-great emotions that have disrupted my usual M.O. of accepting my life as it is. Instead, the real story is that I’m not even sure I can fully describe what I’m feeling in this moment. My natural inclination was to wait until I’m on the other side of this to write about it, but doing so would completely go against what this site is about – being extraordinary on an ordinary.

We Twenty-Sixers can be a bit enigmatic. We’re often empathetic and nurturing to a fault, but tend to ignore our own fragility. We know how to play the hand we’re dealt. We can take life’s bumps and bruises without batting an eye, and tend to discount our hurt and longing for fear of appearing weak. But part of being extraordinary on an ordinary day is having the courage to admit how bad you sometimes feel when life doesn’t go according to plan. Have you taken stock of what’s eating you lately? If not, I’m giving you permission to do so today. No, I am not encouraging you to wallow in self pity. I’m encouraging you to be honest in an effort to get yourself on the path to “happy.” The first step to conquering negative emotions is acknowledging that they exist. Take stock. Mull it over. Seek help if you must. Face all the “junk” and make every effort to overcome it before it overtakes you.