Tuesday Musings: Gut Check on Deck

I always chuckle when an acquaintance asks me, “So you’re still an entrepreneur? And what do you do for money?” I’m not sure if they think it’s impossible to make a living as a business owner, or if they think I’m a pretend solo attorney. But, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had this conversation or one similar to it. Deciding to hang up my “employee” hat and launch my own practice is one of a few drastic decisions I’ve made in life, and with every one, I’ve been met with questions like those above – you know, the kind of loaded inquiries that leave you confused as to whether you should be offended or amused. While I’ve learned to take people’s “daggers in disguise” with a grain of salt, that wasn’t always the case.

When I decided to leave my old firm, a lot of people didn’t get it. Same goes for when I made the decision to turn down that post-law-school job offer to come to New York. In both instances, for every one person who was incredibly supportive, there were about five who simply didn’t understand what I was doing with my life. For a while there, I felt like I had to defend those choices. Thankfully, the need to explain myself and the desire for unanimous  public approval are long gone. Or so I thought.

In recent months, I’ve had some pretty great things happen to me professionally…events  and opportunities that confirmed that I’m on the right track and not, in fact, absolutely insane. While I was reveling in the sheer joy of winning at life for once, I had a thought: “Wait until everything I’m working on is revealed. It’s going to feel so great to prove people wrong.” Then I actually imagined all of those early naysayers staring at some press release or social media post with a look of shock (*cue evil laugh*). Whoa. Suddenly all my new-found euphoria seemed somewhat vengeful. Then came a different kind of internal dialogue. Why could I immediately recall those naysayers and every negative thing they had to say? Because clearly while I was ignoring them outwardly, I was quietly internalizing all their useless commentary.

Now, I had to do my own personal gut check. I had to reassess what my primary motivation for success is. For the most part, I am driven by passion and divine purpose. But could it be that there was a small part of me that was motivated by proving people wrong? The answer was a resounding YES…and I was NOT okay with that. I know some of you may be thinking, “Hey, wanting to silence your critics is healthy motivation. Nothing wrong with it.” I can see why you feel that way, but I have to disagree. I am a firm believer that you invite into your life whatever you focus on intently. So with every thought of “I’ll show them” comes a subconscious acknowledgment that “I still have something to prove,” and “people don’t respect, accept, or value what I do.” And with every acknowledgement comes an open invitation to people and circumstances that will reinforce these negative ideas. Simply put, send feelings of opposition and defiance into the world, and that is exactly what you’re going to get back. 

Here’s the hard truth: the thing about making an unpopular decision for your own life is that everyone else may not see it was the right one for years. If you’re currently in the often very long “building phase” of any dream or goal, engage in your very own gut check. Check your motives. If you find that you’re even the slightest bit driven by proving someone wrong, deal with it now. Every time those contentious thoughts or feelings creep up, replace them with a self-affirming one. Get clear on what you value about yourself and what you have to offer the world. The further you can get into that head and heart space, the less your critics will matter, and the quicker you’ll get to where you’re trying to go. Doesn’t that sound like a much more worthwhile end result than beating someone at their own toxic game? Until next time…