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Tuesday Musings: Gut Check on Deck

I always chuckle when an acquaintance asks me, “So you’re still an entrepreneur? And what do you do for money?” I’m not sure if they think it’s impossible to make a living as a business owner, or if they think I’m a pretend solo attorney. But, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had this conversation or one similar to it. Deciding to hang up my “employee” hat and launch my own practice is one of a few drastic decisions I’ve made in life, and with every one, I’ve been met with questions like those above – you know, the kind of loaded inquiries that leave you confused as to whether you should be offended or amused. While I’ve learned to take people’s “daggers in disguise” with a grain of salt, that wasn’t always the case.

When I decided to leave my old firm, a lot of people didn’t get it. Same goes for when I made the decision to turn down that post-law-school job offer to come to New York. In both instances, for every one person who was incredibly supportive, there were about five who simply didn’t understand what I was doing with my life. For a while there, I felt like I had to defend those choices. Thankfully, the need to explain myself and the desire for unanimous  public approval are long gone. Or so I thought.

In recent months, I’ve had some pretty great things happen to me professionally…events  and opportunities that confirmed that I’m on the right track and not, in fact, absolutely insane. While I was reveling in the sheer joy of winning at life for once, I had a thought: “Wait until everything I’m working on is revealed. It’s going to feel so great to prove people wrong.” Then I actually imagined all of those early naysayers staring at some press release or social media post with a look of shock (*cue evil laugh*). Whoa. Suddenly all my new-found euphoria seemed somewhat vengeful. Then came a different kind of internal dialogue. Why could I immediately recall those naysayers and every negative thing they had to say? Because clearly while I was ignoring them outwardly, I was quietly internalizing all their useless commentary.

Now, I had to do my own personal gut check. I had to reassess what my primary motivation for success is. For the most part, I am driven by passion and divine purpose. But could it be that there was a small part of me that was motivated by proving people wrong? The answer was a resounding YES…and I was NOT okay with that. I know some of you may be thinking, “Hey, wanting to silence your critics is healthy motivation. Nothing wrong with it.” I can see why you feel that way, but I have to disagree. I am a firm believer that you invite into your life whatever you focus on intently. So with every thought of “I’ll show them” comes a subconscious acknowledgment that “I still have something to prove,” and “people don’t respect, accept, or value what I do.” And with every acknowledgement comes an open invitation to people and circumstances that will reinforce these negative ideas. Simply put, send feelings of opposition and defiance into the world, and that is exactly what you’re going to get back. 

Here’s the hard truth: the thing about making an unpopular decision for your own life is that everyone else may not see it was the right one for years. If you’re currently in the often very long “building phase” of any dream or goal, engage in your very own gut check. Check your motives. If you find that you’re even the slightest bit driven by proving someone wrong, deal with it now. Every time those contentious thoughts or feelings creep up, replace them with a self-affirming one. Get clear on what you value about yourself and what you have to offer the world. The further you can get into that head and heart space, the less your critics will matter, and the quicker you’ll get to where you’re trying to go. Doesn’t that sound like a much more worthwhile end result than beating someone at their own toxic game? Until next time…

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Not My Problem x 2.

not-my-problem 4A while back, I read this hilarious book called The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel, a fellow Penn Alum.  In one chapter, she goes into this bit, almost as an aside, about being the “girl who went college” in your community. It is one of the most hilarious explanations I’ve ever read. Partly because it’s so relatable.  There is something about having that label amongst a bunch of people who didn’t go to college. You become the go-to person for every issue, quandary, and general inquiry. I was that girl after graduation. Over the years, my circle became a lot more diverse, and it seemed to die down…until I got a law degree. One would seriously think I was a Pulitzer Prize winning genius with the way people pick my brain. You wouldn’t believe the range of questions I get on a weekly basis – “Hey D, are there five weeks in this month? How long is the drive from NY to Atlanta? Will the Fugees get back together? Who was the 28th President? Can I take both of these medications? Do you have the number for [insert name of public establishment here]? Will the government give me a grant for [insert nonsensical business idea here]?” I’m a pretty patient person, and I don’t mind helping people out where I can, but this drives. me. nuts. Especially when it’s an answer that can be found through a simple internet search, or an area of expertise that I couldn’t possibly know anything about.[i]

I once asked a friend, “Why do people think I know everything?” Her response: “Because you do.” Granted, I know a lot of random information. It’s a byproduct of the whole serial researcher thing. But that doesn’t give people the right to treat me like their real-life personal Google. Especially, since I’m kind of busy, you know, being a lawyer and all.

One day, not too long ago, I was at my wits’ end. I was being pulled in a thousand different directions, a bunch of people were demanding my attention and making unrealistic requests. Needless to say, none of these people were paying clients of mine. I called a trusted friend/advisor and unloaded: “I’m so sick of people thinking I’m their savior! I’m exhausted and overextended. I have a ton of work to do, and they have the audacity to want me to be at their beck and call, then get pissed off when I can’t. Well you know what pisses ME off. The fact that I can never get that kind of support in return.” The friend was quiet for a moment, then replied rather nonchalantly, “Well, you know you can’t really point the finger at them, right? This is your doing.” At this point, she was making me more annoyed – “How can you say this is my doing. Are you saying that I’m using this for some sort of validation? Don’t try to psychoanalyze me. That is not it at all.” Then I went into lawyer mode, supporting my argument with 5 other concrete reasons why she was wrong. We had a healthy debate, but I ended up seeing her point. I needed to take responsibility for my part in creating the dynamic between me and others.

That dialogue got me thinking. Why was I allowing people to drain me in that way? Why was I taking on other people’s burdens so much. I can be a bleeding heart at times, but I’m no pushover…and I’m still clear that I am not seeking validation by playing savior to many. So what gives? It took me a few days, but it finally clicked. 26ers generally aren’t lazy people. It is very difficult for us to just forgo responsibility in exchange for lying around. But we will avoid it if we have to. How, you ask? By directing that energy towards someone else’s problem. The constant need to address another person’s issue is feeding something in you, be it fear, procrastination, or some other negative trait.

Think about it.  What sounds more noble? “I didn’t work towards my own goal this week because I just couldn’t find the motivation or was afraid to take a step,” or “I didn’t work towards my own goal because I was too busy catering to everyone else’s needs.” You get the idea. It’s great to help others, but unless you’re gunning for sainthood, you might want to reconsider how much of your time you freely throw give away. Be careful not to use goodwill as a crutch, or you might end up well-liked, but not very well-accomplished. The next time you find yourself in this predicament – feeling almost obligated to help others at the expense of your own dreams – remember this phrase: Not My Problem (times 2). Why twice? Keep reading.

1. When someone approaches you with that false sense of urgency and acts like the world will end if you don’t help them, remind yourself, “their needs are not my problem.”

2. If and when you find yourself complaining about how everyone else’s demands are keeping you from making progress, tell yourself, “these perceived external forces are not my problem. Fear is.” Or “lack of motivation is”…or whatever other self-imposed obstacle is standing your way.

Truth be told, nobody is stopping you from realizing your dreams…unless you count yourself. It’s time to pull the covers off your escapist techniques and be a little selfish. That’s right, focus on you, because “they” really aren’t your problem.


[i] And while we’re on this subject and in the middle of tax season, I am NOT an accountant. Now, can everyone who knows me personally stop asking about their deductions and credits?? Thanks in advance.

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The 3 R’s of Crisis Survival

letter rIn my profession, there are a few characteristics that make up a great client: 1. Easy to work with; 2. Presents interesting legal issues; 3. Trusts my judgment; 4. Pays well; 5. Pays on time; and 6. Pays without complaining. I worked with one client who embodied all of these characteristics. We’ll call him Ted.[i] Ted was seriously the best of the best. At least once a week, I wanted to send him a fruit basket just to say “thank you for not making my life a living hell.” Over an extended period of time, I had resolved a variety of legal issues for him, and we were preparing to move on to some exciting things. Then, one day while happily tapping away on my computer, I notice his number flash across my caller ID. I found this odd because Ted never calls me without scheduling ahead of time.

From the moment I picked the phone up, I knew something was up. Ted’s tone was friendly, but hesitant. I cut right to the chase – “What’s the problem?” Ted had decided to start working with a very large firm. He immediately started explaining: “I really love your work, and I’m so happy with the way things have gone so far.” When we finally got to the bottom of why he was ditching me, it made absolute sense. I told him that I supported his decision and was happy for him. We exchanged pleasantries, he paid his final bill, and that was that. I moved on with my day and didn’t think much of losing Ted…until I left the office.

While walking up Broadway in Midtown Manhattan, the internal dialogue began. “OMG, do know you know how much money just walked out the door?! You cannot afford to lose a good client right now. What if this happens with every good client? What if you’re stuck with the ones who don’t pay their bills? What if you go bankrupt? Why did you start this firm in the first place?” It sounds dramatic, but this was my exact train of thought. Funny how one not-so-great result can lead to full-on panic in a matter of minutes.

I tried to push those negative thoughts out of my head. Then it hit me. “Oh God.” I suddenly remembered that I was also in the process of severing a rather lucrative business relationship. Two major income sources down the drain in the same week. You may be wondering why this little factoid didn’t pop in my head sooner. Well, working in a high-stress profession like the law while under the constant pressure of entrepreneurship, I’ve learned to compartmentalize very well. In any event, I kept walking, feeling more deflated with each block. By the time I got home, my head was spinning. I would need to start adjusting budgets or getting new clients through the door STAT.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m an overachiever. I pride myself on being able to find a solution and “get it done.” So, normally in a situation like this, I would spring into action and devise a whole plan to soften the blow, so to speak. But, for whatever reason, I couldn’t bring myself to face the issue immediately. So, I did something completely out of character under the circumstance. I watched mindless television, then went to bed. The next day, I worked from home, did only what was necessary, and even managed to take an afternoon nap. The next day, I slept in. That weekend, I left town to visit friends. You get the idea. By the following week, I felt a little guilty for ignoring what could potentially be a significant financial crisis, but I just didn’t have the energy to deal. I was burned out and out of ideas. So, instead of panicking, I decided to get some much needed rest.

Then one day, the phone rang. Then it rang again. A couple of new clients. SCORE. Not a permanent solution, but enough to quell any immediate fears and allow me to keep forging ahead toward my long term goals for this little firm of mine. Weeks later, as I was going about my normal routine, I thought about how that initial anxiety over Ted’s departure had become a distant memory. I was reminded that things always seem to work out in the end. And I realized that resting while waiting for things to work out felt a whole lot better than panicking.

At some point, a legitimate crisis will fall right into your lap through no fault of your own, and all you will be able to control is your response. So, how do you cope with life’s curveballs? Try one of the 3 Rs:

1. Rest – My great uncle once told me, “There are two things you shouldn’t worry about – things you can’t do anything about and things you can do something about.” It may seem counterproductive, but sometimes the best action is no action at all. If you simply don’t know what to do, or the circumstances are completely out of your control, don’t waste time worrying. It really is a useless emotion. Take a breather until the outcome presents itself or until you have a better idea of what your next move should be. Resting can mean actual sleep, mere relaxation, or just refusing to focus your thoughts on the crisis.

2. Rush – There are times when trouble comes and you are not meant to bury your head in the sand. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing exactly what you’ve been put on this earth to do. Life happens. You may get thrown off track. Obstacles present themselves. Sometimes you just have to take the hits, block out the distractions, and aggressively forge ahead. If you feel you can keep going, you should, no matter how hard it seems. Look at the bright side. Progressing in the face of adversity makes for a better story anyway.

3. Reset – Sometimes we make bad decisions, take a wrong turn, or pursue the wrong things. It’s a part of being human. If it seems that nothing is going right, take some time to reflect and reevaluate. It might be time to ctrl+alt+del your entire plan and start over with a new one. This one is tricky because sometimes mere obstacles can show up dressed as a bad decision. So, before you throw in the towel on a given path, assess everything – your successes and failures, the pros and the cons. If you think about it long enough it, you’ll know whether it’s a jedi mind trick trying to get you to quit or if you really should start over.

The 3 Rs can help you through pretty much any challenge. The key is knowing which “R” applies. You may even find that some problems require more than one. I’m a firm believer that our instincts are better than we give them credit for, but if you’re afraid to trust your own intuition, talk it out with someone else. Just make sure they have a level head. No Negative Nancy’s or Anxious Annie’s allowed. One final tip to help you choose the right R: the least natural response for you is probably the R you should choose. Why, you ask? Because everything happens for us, not to us. Everything occurring in your life is meant to stretch you and make you better. So, if it feels uncomfortable, it just might be the right way to go.

[i]By now, you’ve probably figured out that Ted is not said client’s real name.

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