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Delisha

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Not My Problem x 2.

not-my-problem 4A while back, I read this hilarious book called The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel, a fellow Penn Alum.  In one chapter, she goes into this bit, almost as an aside, about being the “girl who went college” in your community. It is one of the most hilarious explanations I’ve ever read. Partly because it’s so relatable.  There is something about having that label amongst a bunch of people who didn’t go to college. You become the go-to person for every issue, quandary, and general inquiry. I was that girl after graduation. Over the years, my circle became a lot more diverse, and it seemed to die down…until I got a law degree. One would seriously think I was a Pulitzer Prize winning genius with the way people pick my brain. You wouldn’t believe the range of questions I get on a weekly basis – “Hey D, are there five weeks in this month? How long is the drive from NY to Atlanta? Will the Fugees get back together? Who was the 28th President? Can I take both of these medications? Do you have the number for [insert name of public establishment here]? Will the government give me a grant for [insert nonsensical business idea here]?” I’m a pretty patient person, and I don’t mind helping people out where I can, but this drives. me. nuts. Especially when it’s an answer that can be found through a simple internet search, or an area of expertise that I couldn’t possibly know anything about.[i]

I once asked a friend, “Why do people think I know everything?” Her response: “Because you do.” Granted, I know a lot of random information. It’s a byproduct of the whole serial researcher thing. But that doesn’t give people the right to treat me like their real-life personal Google. Especially, since I’m kind of busy, you know, being a lawyer and all.

One day, not too long ago, I was at my wits’ end. I was being pulled in a thousand different directions, a bunch of people were demanding my attention and making unrealistic requests. Needless to say, none of these people were paying clients of mine. I called a trusted friend/advisor and unloaded: “I’m so sick of people thinking I’m their savior! I’m exhausted and overextended. I have a ton of work to do, and they have the audacity to want me to be at their beck and call, then get pissed off when I can’t. Well you know what pisses ME off. The fact that I can never get that kind of support in return.” The friend was quiet for a moment, then replied rather nonchalantly, “Well, you know you can’t really point the finger at them, right? This is your doing.” At this point, she was making me more annoyed – “How can you say this is my doing. Are you saying that I’m using this for some sort of validation? Don’t try to psychoanalyze me. That is not it at all.” Then I went into lawyer mode, supporting my argument with 5 other concrete reasons why she was wrong. We had a healthy debate, but I ended up seeing her point. I needed to take responsibility for my part in creating the dynamic between me and others.

That dialogue got me thinking. Why was I allowing people to drain me in that way? Why was I taking on other people’s burdens so much. I can be a bleeding heart at times, but I’m no pushover…and I’m still clear that I am not seeking validation by playing savior to many. So what gives? It took me a few days, but it finally clicked. 26ers generally aren’t lazy people. It is very difficult for us to just forgo responsibility in exchange for lying around. But we will avoid it if we have to. How, you ask? By directing that energy towards someone else’s problem. The constant need to address another person’s issue is feeding something in you, be it fear, procrastination, or some other negative trait.

Think about it.  What sounds more noble? “I didn’t work towards my own goal this week because I just couldn’t find the motivation or was afraid to take a step,” or “I didn’t work towards my own goal because I was too busy catering to everyone else’s needs.” You get the idea. It’s great to help others, but unless you’re gunning for sainthood, you might want to reconsider how much of your time you freely throw give away. Be careful not to use goodwill as a crutch, or you might end up well-liked, but not very well-accomplished. The next time you find yourself in this predicament – feeling almost obligated to help others at the expense of your own dreams – remember this phrase: Not My Problem (times 2). Why twice? Keep reading.

1. When someone approaches you with that false sense of urgency and acts like the world will end if you don’t help them, remind yourself, “their needs are not my problem.”

2. If and when you find yourself complaining about how everyone else’s demands are keeping you from making progress, tell yourself, “these perceived external forces are not my problem. Fear is.” Or “lack of motivation is”…or whatever other self-imposed obstacle is standing your way.

Truth be told, nobody is stopping you from realizing your dreams…unless you count yourself. It’s time to pull the covers off your escapist techniques and be a little selfish. That’s right, focus on you, because “they” really aren’t your problem.


[i] And while we’re on this subject and in the middle of tax season, I am NOT an accountant. Now, can everyone who knows me personally stop asking about their deductions and credits?? Thanks in advance.

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The 3 R’s of Crisis Survival

letter rIn my profession, there are a few characteristics that make up a great client: 1. Easy to work with; 2. Presents interesting legal issues; 3. Trusts my judgment; 4. Pays well; 5. Pays on time; and 6. Pays without complaining. I worked with one client who embodied all of these characteristics. We’ll call him Ted.[i] Ted was seriously the best of the best. At least once a week, I wanted to send him a fruit basket just to say “thank you for not making my life a living hell.” Over an extended period of time, I had resolved a variety of legal issues for him, and we were preparing to move on to some exciting things. Then, one day while happily tapping away on my computer, I notice his number flash across my caller ID. I found this odd because Ted never calls me without scheduling ahead of time.

From the moment I picked the phone up, I knew something was up. Ted’s tone was friendly, but hesitant. I cut right to the chase – “What’s the problem?” Ted had decided to start working with a very large firm. He immediately started explaining: “I really love your work, and I’m so happy with the way things have gone so far.” When we finally got to the bottom of why he was ditching me, it made absolute sense. I told him that I supported his decision and was happy for him. We exchanged pleasantries, he paid his final bill, and that was that. I moved on with my day and didn’t think much of losing Ted…until I left the office.

While walking up Broadway in Midtown Manhattan, the internal dialogue began. “OMG, do know you know how much money just walked out the door?! You cannot afford to lose a good client right now. What if this happens with every good client? What if you’re stuck with the ones who don’t pay their bills? What if you go bankrupt? Why did you start this firm in the first place?” It sounds dramatic, but this was my exact train of thought. Funny how one not-so-great result can lead to full-on panic in a matter of minutes.

I tried to push those negative thoughts out of my head. Then it hit me. “Oh God.” I suddenly remembered that I was also in the process of severing a rather lucrative business relationship. Two major income sources down the drain in the same week. You may be wondering why this little factoid didn’t pop in my head sooner. Well, working in a high-stress profession like the law while under the constant pressure of entrepreneurship, I’ve learned to compartmentalize very well. In any event, I kept walking, feeling more deflated with each block. By the time I got home, my head was spinning. I would need to start adjusting budgets or getting new clients through the door STAT.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m an overachiever. I pride myself on being able to find a solution and “get it done.” So, normally in a situation like this, I would spring into action and devise a whole plan to soften the blow, so to speak. But, for whatever reason, I couldn’t bring myself to face the issue immediately. So, I did something completely out of character under the circumstance. I watched mindless television, then went to bed. The next day, I worked from home, did only what was necessary, and even managed to take an afternoon nap. The next day, I slept in. That weekend, I left town to visit friends. You get the idea. By the following week, I felt a little guilty for ignoring what could potentially be a significant financial crisis, but I just didn’t have the energy to deal. I was burned out and out of ideas. So, instead of panicking, I decided to get some much needed rest.

Then one day, the phone rang. Then it rang again. A couple of new clients. SCORE. Not a permanent solution, but enough to quell any immediate fears and allow me to keep forging ahead toward my long term goals for this little firm of mine. Weeks later, as I was going about my normal routine, I thought about how that initial anxiety over Ted’s departure had become a distant memory. I was reminded that things always seem to work out in the end. And I realized that resting while waiting for things to work out felt a whole lot better than panicking.

At some point, a legitimate crisis will fall right into your lap through no fault of your own, and all you will be able to control is your response. So, how do you cope with life’s curveballs? Try one of the 3 Rs:

1. Rest – My great uncle once told me, “There are two things you shouldn’t worry about – things you can’t do anything about and things you can do something about.” It may seem counterproductive, but sometimes the best action is no action at all. If you simply don’t know what to do, or the circumstances are completely out of your control, don’t waste time worrying. It really is a useless emotion. Take a breather until the outcome presents itself or until you have a better idea of what your next move should be. Resting can mean actual sleep, mere relaxation, or just refusing to focus your thoughts on the crisis.

2. Rush – There are times when trouble comes and you are not meant to bury your head in the sand. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing exactly what you’ve been put on this earth to do. Life happens. You may get thrown off track. Obstacles present themselves. Sometimes you just have to take the hits, block out the distractions, and aggressively forge ahead. If you feel you can keep going, you should, no matter how hard it seems. Look at the bright side. Progressing in the face of adversity makes for a better story anyway.

3. Reset – Sometimes we make bad decisions, take a wrong turn, or pursue the wrong things. It’s a part of being human. If it seems that nothing is going right, take some time to reflect and reevaluate. It might be time to ctrl+alt+del your entire plan and start over with a new one. This one is tricky because sometimes mere obstacles can show up dressed as a bad decision. So, before you throw in the towel on a given path, assess everything – your successes and failures, the pros and the cons. If you think about it long enough it, you’ll know whether it’s a jedi mind trick trying to get you to quit or if you really should start over.

The 3 Rs can help you through pretty much any challenge. The key is knowing which “R” applies. You may even find that some problems require more than one. I’m a firm believer that our instincts are better than we give them credit for, but if you’re afraid to trust your own intuition, talk it out with someone else. Just make sure they have a level head. No Negative Nancy’s or Anxious Annie’s allowed. One final tip to help you choose the right R: the least natural response for you is probably the R you should choose. Why, you ask? Because everything happens for us, not to us. Everything occurring in your life is meant to stretch you and make you better. So, if it feels uncomfortable, it just might be the right way to go.

[i]By now, you’ve probably figured out that Ted is not said client’s real name.

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Put a Pot of Rice On

Nana CookingFour years ago today, my beloved grandmother passed away at the age of 67, roughly five weeks before my law school graduation. I was devastated. The story of her transition is one that I still cannot fully recount without falling apart, so I’ll spare you the details here. But, there is a reason why I’ve chosen to launch this site on the anniversary of her death and the hardest day of the year for me. I usually spend April 9th battling intense feelings of loss and grief, but I’ve decided that misery is no way to pay homage to the greatest earthly source of love and light that I have yet to encounter. Instead, I believe the best way to honor her legacy is to be a living example of what it means to lead an extraordinary life even on the darkest of days. With that being said, welcome to December 26er (if you’re not sure what the site is all about, learn more here). I’m not good with long introductions, so let’s jump right into it.

We often think of death as a finite event. I mean, while various religions and spiritual belief systems promote life after death, it’s hard to deny how gut-wrenching the end of an earthly connection with someone can be. It is a very real void that I’m still working through. But having to move through life with only the recollections of my grandmother has brought all kinds of lessons that I may have not otherwise gotten. For example, the other day, one particular memory popped into mind.

I was cooking dinner, something I do a lot more often now that I have to keep a business and home financially afloat. Just as I was turning down a pot of rice, I thought about her. My grandmother, or “nana” as I liked to call her, was an AMAZING cook, and everyone knew it. She always had an open door policy, so it was not uncommon for neighbors and friends to stop by for a meal at random. Nana’s culinary repertoire was vast, but no matter what was being served, there almost always seemed to be a large batch of white rice being kept warm in the oldest, most banged up pot imaginable on the back burner of stove. Everyone in the house would feed off that rice, and whatever was left over at the end of the night would be thrown out back for the birds’ morning meal.

I loved the stuff as a kid, so I never thought anything of it (I now know that no one should be eating that much rice, but I digress). As I got older, however, I realized how tight things were for my grandparents financially. My grandfather had fallen ill and gone blind years prior, and my grandmother was the main breadwinner. That pot of rice was not a delicacy. It was a NECESSITY… a way to stretch meals and ensure everyone had enough to eat. Now, years later, as I stood in my own kitchen, stressed as always about business and personal concerns, budgets and the like, it all clicked: “You’ve got to put a pot of rice on, Delisha.” In other words, “you have to be resourceful!”

When I talk to friends and colleagues about life goals and dreams, a common thread is often what we don’t have, but need in order to achieve. This kind of negative talk causes a domino effect. We become so focused on what we think is outside of our grasp, yet oh so necessary, that we fail to notice and utilize all the resources we do have. Here is the hard truth.  There will always be more “out there” that would make your journey a little easier – more money, more advice, more connections, more talent. You name it. But if you don’t have “more,” crying foul and playing victim isn’t going to get you anywhere. You’ve got to put your own pot of rice on. You have to take stock of every gift, idea, person, and opportunity within reach and make it work for you. Get creative. Do the work. What you have may not be much, but it’s enough to get started and will likely take you much farther than you think. Do this, and I promise, at some point, you’ll look back and realize that you never even needed more.

What dream or goal have you dismissed or delayed due to a perceived lack of resources? Leave a comment explaining how you plan put your own pot of rice on to get back on track!

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