Not My Problem x 2.

A while back, I read this hilarious book called The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel, a fellow Penn Alum.  In one chapter, she goes into this bit, almost as an aside, about being the “girl who went college” in your community. It is one of the most hilarious explanations I’ve ever read. Partly because it’s so relatable.  There is something about having that label amongst a bunch of people who didn’t go to college. You become the go-to person for every issue, quandary, and general inquiry. I was that girl after graduation. Over the years, my circle became a lot more diverse, and it seemed to die down…until I got a law degree. One would seriously think I was a Pulitzer Prize winning genius with the way people pick my brain. You wouldn’t believe the range of questions I get on a weekly basis – “Hey D, are there five weeks in this month? How long is the drive from NY to Atlanta? Will the Fugees get back together? Who was the 28^th President? Can I take both of these medications? Do you have the number for [insert name of public establishment here]? Will the government give me a grant for [insert nonsensical business idea here]?” I’m a pretty patient person, and I don’t mind helping people out where I can, but this drives. me. nuts. Especially when it’s an answer that can be found through a simple internet search, or an area of expertise that I couldn’t possibly know anything about.[i]

I once asked a friend, “Why do people think I know everything?” Her response: “Because you do.” Granted, I know a lot of random information. It’s a byproduct of the whole serial researcher thing. But that doesn’t give people the right to treat me like their real-life personal Google. Especially, since I’m kind of busy, you know, being a lawyer and all.

One day, not too long ago, I was at my wits’ end. I was being pulled in a thousand different directions, a bunch of people were demanding my attention and making unrealistic requests. Needless to say, none of these people were paying clients of mine. I called a trusted friend/advisor and unloaded: “I’m so sick of people thinking I’m their savior! I’m exhausted and overextended. I have a ton of work to do, and they have the audacity to want me to be at their beck and call, then get pissed off when I can’t. Well you know what pisses ME off. The fact that I can never get that kind of support in return.” The friend was quiet for a moment, then replied rather nonchalantly, “Well, you know you can’t really point the finger at them, right? This is your doing.” At this point, she was making me more annoyed – “How can you say this is my doing. Are you saying that I’m using this for some sort of validation? Don’t try to psychoanalyze me. That is not it at all.” Then I went into lawyer mode, supporting my argument with 5 other concrete reasons why she was wrong. We had a healthy debate, but I ended up seeing her point. I needed to take responsibility for my part in creating the dynamic between me and others.

That dialogue got me thinking. Why was I allowing people to drain me in that way? Why was I taking on other people’s burdens so much. I can be a bleeding heart at times, but I’m no pushover…and I’m still clear that I am not seeking validation by playing savior to many. So what gives? It took me a few days, but it finally clicked. 26ers generally aren’t lazy people. It is very difficult for us to just forgo responsibility in exchange for lying around. But we will avoid it if we have to. How, you ask? By directing that energy towards someone else’s problem. The constant need to address another person’s issue is feeding something in you, be it fear, procrastination, or some other negative trait.

Think about it.  What sounds more noble? “I didn’t work towards my own goal this week because I just couldn’t find the motivation or was afraid to take a step,” or “I didn’t work towards my own goal because I was too busy catering to everyone else’s needs.” You get the idea. It’s great to help others, but unless you’re gunning for sainthood, you might want to reconsider how much of your time you freely throw give away. Be careful not to use goodwill as a crutch, or you might end up well-liked, but not very well-accomplished. The next time you find yourself in this predicament – feeling almost obligated to help others at the expense of your own dreams – remember this phrase: Not My Problem (times 2). Why twice? Keep reading.

1. When someone approaches you with that false sense of urgency and acts like the world will end if you don’t help them, remind yourself, “their needs are not my problem.”

2. If and when you find yourself complaining about how everyone else’s demands are keeping you from making progress, tell yourself, “these perceived external forces are not my problem. Fear is.” Or “lack of motivation is”…or whatever other self-imposed obstacle is standing your way.

Truth be told, nobody is stopping you from realizing your dreams…unless you count yourself. It’s time to pull the covers off your escapist techniques and be a little selfish. That’s right, focus on you, because “they” really aren’t your problem.